Is that happiness again?? Knock on wood!!

I find myself thinking a lot about my purpose here, why I was put here, in little old Garrucha. So far I’m not really sure, and I’m not sure I have a significant purpose here yet. I’m sure’ I’ll find it, but it hasn’t shown it’s face at this point. So far my theory is this. I’m always around lots of people at home and I have grown accustomed to being pulled in many different directions, and because of this it makes me feel important, significant, like I matter. Which is obviously preferable to the counterpart. I clearly need lots of approval and positive reinforcement. I know that I work better with an audience, and applause. Luckily for little Leo me I had lots of both growing up. I am an only child, and I was also the only grandchild and niece in my family for a good portion of my youth, so I’ve always been sort of fawned over. My step sisters only came into the equation when I was about 12. Which was great too, we had a ton of fun together when we were young.

So as a child I had tons of attention and was showered with love and encouragement. I was told I could be anything I wanted to be. Seriously, ask my mom, she’ll tell you. So I wanted to come to Spain to get away from all the over stimulation. I felt like I needed a reality check.

images

(Sounds about right… Haha jk. Seriously, kidding. Calm down. It’s a joke.)

I always love to be with my family and especially during the holidays but because I have so many places to be, sometimes it’s actually exhausting. (I know I sound like a major douche for saying this, but I can’t help it it’s how I feel!) And while I always love that time of year and have a fantastic time spending time with my loved ones, and seeing all the members of my family who I don’t see as much during the year as well, part of me just wants to run away with just a few people during times like that and hide out. Don’t pretend like you’ve never wanted to run screaming from your crazy (yet awesome) family.

Which is funny because now that I’m here I don’t feel like that at all. I think part of my purpose for being here is so that I can learn to appreciate my life more and all that I have. I always felt like I was appreciative at home but I know that sometimes I can feel entitled, like I just deserve it, for no good reason. And I don’t want to be that way, feeling entitled won’t bring me anything good. I need to work on being okay with myself, solo, with no applause but my own.

(….As I’m posting this on the internet…. Haha. Baby steps.)

inspirational-quotes

It’s donned on me today that I’m sort of in this weird paradise. In a weird way it reminds me of the TV show Lost. Haha I guess because I feel weird that I was placed here and it has this weirdly perfect weather every day. So far, it’s gorgeous about 100% of the time. Even when it’s stormy it’s beautiful. My first week here I was drowning in misery, crying every time I face timed my dad. I specifically tried to gather myself whenever I talked to my mom because I knew if I cried she would cry and then I would feel even worse seeing her upset, and I didn’t want her to know how much I was hurting. My dad on the other hand, while he has sympathy for me, he knows I’ll be okay, that hard experiences are good for me. Which I agree with. I know he was sad to see me struggling at first but he knew I’d be fine. I had someone ask me recently if I thought I would stick this out until the end of the school year, and I said yes of course. I committed to this, I wanted this. I WANTED to struggle. This is what I was looking for. I remember thinking at home, I need to know what it’s like to be on my own with no safety net. And while it’s been hard, it has never occurred to me that I can go home, not seriously at least. I want to tough it out. I mean, I’m not really toughing anything, really. I’m just not used to it. It’s a new life and I’m here to explore it.

IMG_2573

Today marks 2 weeks since I arrived in Garrucha, and I have to say, with much relief, I feel happy again. I feel like myself, actually, for the most part. The people I’m around daily are good people that I enjoy so I’m happy about that. I haven’t found anyone who makes me belly laugh so hard that no noise comes out of my mouth, but I’m good. No one chants at me while taking shots, yells, let’s go Gilpin, while I’m up to bat, or sits and walks and talks with me for hours on end about life and love and all that is our world while passing no judgement. But I’m sure that will come with time. At least in some aspects. It took me my lifetime so far to find people like that back home so I know I can’t get all that in two weeks here. I always knew that I was lucky back home to have the people in my life that I did, but damn, do I feel lucky now. If I could go home right now I would just hug the shit out of everyone and say thank you, thank you, thank you for being a part of my life. (Did you see that Jimmy!!??? A PART!! Haha 😛 #grammarpolice!) I mean really, when I think about it, it makes me think that God must exist because nobody gets as lucky as I do for no reason. I don’t know what I did in a past life but it must’ve been really good. I hope I get to be a dog in my next life. I’d like to be Tony and Julie Cassidy’s dog in particular because they just love their dogs so much and Julie cooks it chicken!! Haha talk about living the life.

One thought on “Is that happiness again?? Knock on wood!!

  1. Oh Rachel, I have tears laughing at your compliment of how we love our dogs, and tears of joy for all that you have accomplished since you began this journey. Amanda keeps me up to date, I apologize for being a Facebook slacker. I am flying to Shanghai, China now and cant get facebook in China as it is a Communist country. But still want you to know that we think of you all the time and admire your courage! Most of all your writing style is so heartfelt and has the power to reach into our souls, which is why we encourage you to pursue a career in journalism! Teaching also is a profession worthy of your talents and your students are so lucky to have you! Can’t wait to see you when you grace us with your presence this summer!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s